Bad Public TV Channels

I write this post with no wi-fi access. This means I’m stuck relying on cellphone 3G like your average Amish blogger. Worse than your average Amish, I’m watching domestic television. Which means I’m switching between Marley & Me and Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate Home Cooking.

I’ve learned the following things:

-      Gordon Ramsay has a large family that laughs and high-fives a lot. His wife is also a 9, at worst.

-      Marley is a poorly behaved dog. I hope he doesn’t come between Owen Wilson and Rachel from Friends.

-      When Gordon Ramsay isn’t cooking, he’s doing curls.

-      Owen Wilson was really good at movies for awhile there.

-      Gordon Ramsay’s kid (“Jack”) asks good questions and seems to be enjoying cooking with his father. He’s probably going to get bullied for this at school.

-      Alan Arkin won an Oscar a few years ago. He seems to play the same character in every film. This means he’s either incredibly unlucky not to win an Oscar every year, or incredibly lucky to have won one at all.

-      Gordon Ramsay just pulled some milky-white cheese out of a plastic tub. He called it some name that was not “mozzarella”. It looks like mozzarella. Is it mozzarella? Clearly, he expects that I know the answer to this.
Jamie would’ve said ‘you can use mozzarella, if you want,’ and I would’ve smiled, because we both know I’m using Edam (if I have cheese at all (dairy prices, and what not)).

-      Marley wants to watch Owen and Rachel having sex. Owen is not ok with this. Rachel is.    He wants to take Marley into the next room. She argues that Marley won’t know what he’s seeing, anyway, so why can’t he stay? She seems to have thought this through. I was distracted by this.

 -     Gordon Ramsay and his large family all collapse together on one of those corner couches where everyone is close together because that’s how angles work. They playfight and laugh heartily, and thank god the cameras were there to catch it because it’s really organic and genuine.

-      Owen and Rachel are having a baby. Owen was not excited by this, but then Rachel said he had to be, so they are still having a baby and now he is excited about it. Marley doesn’t speak English.

-      Rachel was hotter when she wasn’t always frowning.

-      An advertisement for Edward Scissorhands was just on. I’m starting to think Tim Burton has been tricking us for way longer than we thought. Now, when he makes Dark Shadows, people say things like ‘yeah, but his old stuff like Edward Scissorhands was great.’ Hm…

-      Johnny Depp is dangerously close to pulling an Owen Wilson.

-      Owen Wilson just said some line in a way that was charming when he was Hansel, but isn’t in this movie. I don’t even know what his character’s name is in Marley & Me. I doubt it’s “Hansel”. That would confuse the viewer, I suspect.

At this point, I went upstairs to make tea (I don’t like tea). I then saw that there was anything else to do, and so I did that.

Note: This post was written before leaving for France.