Snailed It!

If there are three things that everybody thinks of when they think about France, they are baguettes, snails and eco-terrorism. This food review deals with the second of these fundamental Frenchities.

Whilst upon a daytrip to Epernay, one of the key locales in the Champagne region, myself, the Baguette Winner and two friends went out for an intentionally quintessential French meal. We ate at a small, crammed-in bistro named La Cave a Champagne, which looked so much like what you’d expect a little French restaurant to look like that photos are unnecessary (also, I forgot to take any). Just know that if it weren’t clichéd to refer to things as clichéd, this place would have been a total cliché.

I won’t go over the entire meal, but just know that it was both perfectly nice in that it allowed me to finally enjoy some traditional French food (and it was inexpensive), and also it was slightly disappointing to learn that I may not actually be a big fan of the old French classics (at least as they were presented here). For now, I’m going to hope that I just failed to order the right items for me, and hope for better next time. Incidentally, the snails dish (the entrée) was actually the best part of the meal.

[As an aside, the same team went out for a more expensive French meal the next night, and I enjoyed it far more].

Let’s get to the main attraction:

That’s artichokes and mushrooms in a creamy sauce, and the little black things are the snails. Either you’re dying to know what the snails tasted like, or you’ve had them before, and you’re acting like it’s no big deal; you eat way weirder stuff all the time. Well, you don’t, and if you do, what’s wrong with you? Try eating delicious processed foods like the rest of us. They process the flavour right in there!

Anyway, the snails were fine. They don’t taste like a whole lot, which is why they work in that super-creamy, buttery sauce. Think of them as chewier mushrooms, or far less chewy paua. In other words, they’re pretty dependent on what you put them in. It is for this reason that I shan’t be seeking them out in future, but if they’re put in front of me, I won’t vomit everywhere either.

The following night, we went out for the aforementioned “expensive” meal, which was kindly covered by our friends to thank us for giving them our fold-out couch. Again, I won’t go over the whole thing, but it did include another new for me: guinea fowl. This was genuinely delicious:

"It's like chicken, but not trying as hard." - Helen, our friend

I suppose if you’ve had pigeon or pheasant before, this might be like that. It’s a gamier, darker version of a chicken leg, but maybe not quite as deep red as duck. This was great, as I’m a “dark meat” guy. It was served on roast potatoes with a simple gravy, and I ate every little bit of it.

Also, there was only one guy in the kitchen, churning out three-course meals! Either these were some of the best microwave meals any of us have ever had, or he was good, man.