A Guide To Art: Monet, Monet, Monet, Monet...Monet!

This is Part 2 of Pat's Guide to Art. Part 1 can be found here. This guide relies on my many years of being aware of art, and on the fact that I've seen some art in Paris. I looked at art, so you don't have to.

Today's lesson: Blandscapes Landscapes

Landscapes are when you take a portrait and tip it sideways. In this lesson, we will be talking specifically about sideways paintings largely comprising natural stuff: lakes; plant-life; bodies of water; boring stuff like that. Why? Because Google says that’s what a ‘landscape’ is.

Fun fact, landscapes are the fourth best type of painting. There’s not much to be done with this information, but it’s good that they make these things official.

One of the good things about art is that you can look at a painting of one thing, and it magically makes you think about another thing. Take this Monet, for example: 

Londres, le Parlement by Claude Monet

This is, apparently, London’s Parliament (even though it isn’t hive-shaped(!)). It has good colours, as well as a healthy sense of mystery (is it morning or evening?). But whenever I see this painting, I can only think of the classic 1981 dramatic fantasy film Excalibur:

This film launched the careers of Liam Neeson and Ciarán Hinds. It also helped bring us Patrick Stewart:

For some reason, I had this movie on tape (recorded off TV2, from memory), and I watched it over and over as a kid. I understood almost none of it, and I never got more than about halfway through (it’s a long one). It features knights, swords, O Fortuna by Carl Orff, heartbreak, beards and betrayal - all crucial to the human condition. There’s also a bit of nudity. And that’s why I like Monet.

This landscape has a rainbow in it:

The Rainbow Landscape

For now, we will overlook that this rainbow is missing some colours (and, it does NOT follow the ROY G BIV pattern). A rainbow is a good thing to paint, because rainbows are magic. The painting was painted by Peter Paul Rubens. He was around in the 16^th and 17^th centuries, and should not be confused with Paul Reubens, who had some trouble in a cinema.

Here’s a landscape by a Swedish guy:

Miroir de l'Eau by Axel Acke

It’s at the Musee D’Orsay. It’s of two women, twins, probably, just messing about in the mangroves in Manukau Harbour (I believe). This one reminds me mainly of that film Twins with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny De Vito. Isn’t art fun?

According to the Musee D’Orsay website, Mr Acke might have painted this as an “allegory” for ‘Sweden's coming to the aid of Finland when it was oppressed by Tsarist Russia’. Then why did he paint naked women? I’m not sure that two naked women would be much good in taking down all of Russia. I would’ve painted tanks or drones, or maybe John Matrix or Mark Wahlberg in Shooter.

One criticism I hear a lot is that landscapes can be boring. They often don’t have people in them; sometimes they are just pictures of people’s gardens. Boo-urns. Here’s one with people in it, and even some farm animals:

Landscape Near Rhenen by Aelbert Cuyp

There’s not a lot going on though. A giant is cramming for his recorder recital tomorrow, while two small people feign interest. The giant has forgotten his gumboots, which is a problem because it might rain. Some people are fishing in the background, apparently from the worst spot possible. The cows aren’t doing much. This is, at best, an episode of Outdoors With Geoff, but without the top tips for cooking fish.

Here’s a landscape by Vincent Van Gogh. It’s a picture of a wheat field, with cypresses:

A Wheat Field, With Cypresses

I’ll admit that he does some good stuff with his colours, and the sky looks nice. But imagine what he could have done with a picture of a T-Rex! Give the T-Rex a machine gun and a Razor scooter - now that’s art! And that’s what’s turning the kids off landscapes these days. Not enough dinomism.

So are landscapes yesterday’s news? In this fast-paced, Nintendo 64, Matrix Reloaded, Smartcar world, is there room for paintings of scenery? Where’s the sex? The violence? The danger? Is it all over for landscapes?

How should I know?